It’s always nice to start a brand New Year with a good shot of anxiety inducing adrenaline. So far this year (!) I have battled within to keep the sense of angst under control. I am doing quite well really. I have only briefly questioned my very existence and, by default, that of my children! I mean honestly, why are we here? Daily activities which prioritise gain, greed, acquisition. Who am I even telling this to? No-one but me knows this blog exists. Does it exist?
My thoughts run wild. Always have. Hence my desire for peace.
Signing off for now.
[Sometime later…] The thing is though, I do exist right? I do exist as do my children. I chose to have them. I did the thing necessary for the cells to divide and become my daughters. I love them. Love. That feeling. That action. Noun and verb. I do not want to question that idea. Love. If I question the point of our existence and in turn, the point of loving and feeling stuff, then I will be preoccupied with that instead of simply being. The consequence of my preoccupation will be the inability to just BE. Enjoy. Love. Feel.
My attempts at avoiding feeling bad cause me to try and avoid feeling anything. I fear I will miss the moments which bring pleasure and increase feelings of love. Don’t even get me started on the whole idea of loving someone and then having their existence extinguished by physical death. Having them ripped from you.
My point is, I exist. I just want to figure out what kind of existence I want.