It’s always nice to start a brand New Year with a good shot of anxiety inducing adrenaline. So far this year (!) I have battled within to keep the sense of angst under control. I am doing quite well really. I have only briefly questioned my very existence and, by default, that of my children! I mean honestly, why are we here? Daily activities which prioritise gain, greed, acquisition. Who am I even telling this to? No-one but me knows this blog exists. Does it exist?
My thoughts run wild. Always have. Hence my desire for peace.
Signing off for now.
[Sometime later…] The thing is though, I do exist right? I do exist as do my children. I chose to have them. I did the thing necessary for the cells to divide and become my daughters. I love them. Love. That feeling. That action. Noun and verb. I do not want to question that idea. Love. If I question the point of our existence and in turn, the point of loving and feeling stuff, then I will be preoccupied with that instead of simply being. The consequence of my preoccupation will be the inability to just BE. Enjoy. Love. Feel.
My attempts at avoiding feeling bad cause me to try and avoid feeling anything. I fear I will miss the moments which bring pleasure and increase feelings of love. Don’t even get me started on the whole idea of loving someone and then having their existence extinguished by physical death. Having them ripped from you.
My point is, I exist. I just want to figure out what kind of existence I want.
I was inspired. Excitedly I decided to set up a site where I can put my numerous and often bewildering thoughts. Two hours later I feel entirely bogged down by the whole process of setting something up!
The trouble is I can’t make a decision. There is always another way I like, or might like better! I am not exaggerating when I say that I sat looking at, and fiddling with, my user name for at least twenty minutes trying this and that, because the simple name I wanted, peaceseeker, was unavailable. Ultimately I went with the first name I’d thought of. Obviously! I do this kind of think all the time. Unable to just plump for something and be satisfied. I think and think and research and think a bit more and try this, try that, tweak it, change it back. In the end I get so annoyed with myself, feel stupid for wasting time, and physically ache from sitting in one position for too long! These small episodes of indecision and procrastination add up, over the day, to guilt and pain. Silly eh?
Anyway, after doing some research into blogging sites and having already set up a tumblr account stating a search for simplicity as my goal, and then getting waylaid by “shoelust” I realised tumblr might be just a bit too flashy and social-networky for my purposes. I want discussion of ideas. I want to learn and grow and find peace. Hurrah!
I am easily distracted and seduced by colour and glitz so, even though I think this looks like a Volkswagen site (what a dull logo wordpress has!) I have plumped for WP as a platform. God I hope I can jzuzh up my page a bit!!
So here is my first blog. I need to post and go. Try not to over-think it. Pay my children some attention! I’ll be back. Unless something else catches my eye of course. In the meantime here’s something pretty from nature to stimulate the eye.